Re: writing. See also: life, in general.
I am a terrible public speaker. I just am. But what it boils down to is that I’m actually deathly afraid of what people think of my thoughts. It could be why I’m an introvert or it could be because I’m an introvert.
Either way, it’s no bueno for my nerves.
I had to give a 15 minute presentation on my senior capstone project in college and I was so nervous that a.) my hands were shaking so bad I had to put them on to the podium to prevent from looking like I was having a seizure b.) I got the driest mouth to ever grace the earth in the middle of the FIFTEEN EFFING MINUTE PRESENTATION and c.) was still having anxiety attacks about the presentation two weeks after it happened.
BUT! tonight, during the first period intermission of the Sharks game, I read Ryan chapter one of the ol’ novel. I said “are you sure?” roughly sixteen times, which was followed closely by “are you ready?” clocking in at around 12 times. Ten minutes after staring at the screen, to him, back at the screen, I started with the first word.
Which happens to be ‘The,’ and besides the point. I don’t care if what he said when I was done was part of his husbandly duties but it felt good and felt right and felt like exactly what I needed to hear. Yes, I’m well aware it’s likely that no one besides him, and let’s be honest—the cats, will ever hear these words.
But they are mine, and they are always worth saying out loud.
The last time I did NaNoWriMo, I was living in Prague, my grandmother died the first week in November, and I had a million hours to sit in cafes and on benches with my notebook. Kind of a perfect storm for writing a novel, right?
My life is a litttttle bit different now but I’m joining NaNo again. I hope it will encourage me to break out that weird assortment of scenes and stories and memories and turn it into something I’d actually let people read.
It’s going to open up a lot of deep wounds. It was essentially a journal for my thoughts after my grandma died—and I was extremely close to her, so you can picture the state of my emotions in that month. I was so sad and angry and I was also intensely homesick for my family who was gathering to say goodbye to our beloved matriarch. I felt like I was a million miles away. I pretty much was.
tl:dr I’ll be editing my novel for the next month and will hopefully deal with some of my grief issues about my grandma’s death (and my absence for it) so I’m missing from tumblr you know why. love you all.
I’m glad some people can feel this. On the whole, I try to live this way. And yes, you can believe everything is just a lesson learned. But there are certain memories that will stop my in my tracks and feel deep, deep regret for the way I acted. There aren’t many, thank god, but there are some. Today I saw an old colleague and I was reminded of my deep regret for the way I acted once. It went like this: