New to Portland livin', Prague dreamin', twenty-something education-loving product manager. Passionate about equity and happiness for every single person on this planet. And cats. All the cats.
I come on tumblr for a five minute scroll every other week. I have to ween myself off of things. I used a pacifier until preschool, and then I kept it in a small purse at the front desk and could go ask them for a fix whenever I needed it. It worked, as I no longer use a pacifier. So, I guess, I’ll be off for good eventually.
I wish every white person at one of these protests would commit to doing one-on-one relational work with other whites to deal with their racism
This frustrates me because I’m in a very “liberal” academic space and my white classmates are always having lil breakout groups to discuss allyship, meetings to talk about how they can support black and brown efforts and organizing
But they seem to have zero idea how to actually talk about racism to other white people who don’t already agree with them
I was talking to a classmate today who told me he “felt bad” because his parents and siblings voted trump
And I’m just like: what’s the fucking point of doing all this chatting about allyship if you can’t even sit down and reason with the people closest to you.
Why are you always looking to us for a free education on race when you just compartmentalize that shit or use the insights to get closer to other poc
I think I can add something here as a piece of advice on how to go about this:
I work with a mix of people who carry a wide array of political viewpoints. I work closely with a guy in his 60s who tends to lean Republican on most issues.
One day, I was in a car with him and another colleague, around my age. The conversation diverted into entitlement spending and race. Us 20 somethings were on one side of the issues and a 60-year-old white guy was on the other.
After hearing him rant for a bit, I calmly asked, “Hey ____, what’s so wrong with those living in the projects getting unemployment benefits?” I let him answer and then posed another question off of his response. I kept calm and kept letting him speak, then asking follow-up questions. Eventually, he was calm and I could tell he was satisfied that I heard his point and where he was coming from. I also noticed that his views became less and less extreme every time I posed a question. His emotions were subsiding and he was critically thinking about each question. So, I expressed my position of how certain people are exposed to certain opportunity and race plays a major role in exposure. I related to people we both knew. I related to stories of friends that he didn’t know. I asked him, again calmly, if that perspective changes anything.
He kind of grumbled something and we arrived at our destination, ending the conversation.
However, the next day he came in and stated that he gave my position a lot of thought and felt like I brought up a lot of great points. He said was willing to think about these things.
I was COMPLETELY taken aback. I realized that my conversation was effective. I honestly don’t know who he voted for or if there a major impact on his thinking, but something changed enough for him to thank me and bring up a willingness to change, albeit how small.
So I guess my advice would be the following:
1) Have people re-examine their own thinking. Don’t tell them how to think or haw you think. Ask them questions that have them explore their thought process.
2) Relate your position to shared experience. Put a face and a name to the marginalized group. Don’t let them go to the ‘well they’re the exception’ answer. Go back to 1) and ask them questions.
3) Stay calm. Like 100% be calm. Disarm their emotions and don’t escalate with your own. This gives them an opportunity to think rationally rather than emotionally.
4) Don’t do it to feel good about yourself. Do it because it’s the right thing. If you are white/male/straight/cis, you need to do this for those who are not. Keep your thoughts on the marginalized and not making yourself feel good or ‘not like them’. This is not about you.
5) On the flip side, understand white poverty and what is going on in the manufacturing industry. Get the other viewpoint, even if you don’t think it’s worth empathizing with. Just understand that issue. Keep it in the back of your mind when asking questions.
I honestly don’t know if this will work in every circumstance or is enough. I feel like I made a change in someone’s way of thinking. I thought it was worth sharing.
Thank you for this.
I do appreciate the messages from white people in our inbox, but here’s something that you can do in order to be an ally for us.
Your racist friends and relatives are far more likely to listen to you than us.
- Mod K
Unknowingly, I have been following the steps outlined above in the last 36 hours and I have been seriously surprised by some of the conversations and where they ended up. Yesterday, my idea that I was a “good ally” hit rock bottom, and I realized that by blocking and refusing to engage with my fellow white people, I was why Trump got elected. I used to say I would never engage with someone I disagreed with unless I knew them. I threw that out the window yesterday and it’s been quite an interesting 36 hours. I will keep engaging, listening, and pushing for empathy.
I ask other straight white people to do the same, when they are ready.
Q: Hey! The pictures from your wedding ceremony are so beautiful. Did you have a traditional reception? I ask because as more of my friends get married, the more I consider someday just having a "cake and punch" style reception someday to save money. I was just curious if you did something similar and, if so, how you feel about it now. Thanks!
Hi! Sorry, I’m never on tumblr anymore but I appreciate your question. We had a ceremony at San Francisco City Hall with just my parents, grandparents, one cousin/sister and his parents and siblings. It. Was. Perfect. Everyone cried. We then took photos for a few hours while our family took a limo around the city getting drunk off champagne, and they eventually picked us up and we went to dinner. That day was the most deliriously happy I’ve ever been.
We had three receptions–with sandwiches or potlucks–one in CA for our friends and his family, and one in MI and one in NY for my family. They were super casual and fun and a great way to actually hang out with people and not just walk from table to table saying ‘thank you for coming.” 10/10 would recommend.
With everything included (I mean every detail on limo rental to flights to honeymoon to travel to and from the receptions to decor to dress and suit to every last drink we purchased) it was still less than the average cost of a wedding. We could have done things cheaper for sure, but the experience and the way we split things out was absolutely the right way to do it for us.
My boss just demanded that I fly in to the office Tuesday night and proceeded to move every single meeting on our calendars to accommodate it. I will get the keys to our first house (OMG HOPEFULLY THO) with my husband and I’m just so stupid grateful and annoyed by my total first world complaining but yeah, sometimes (SOMETIMES) things can go right.
Tonight: move from the one airbnb we moved into after we had to move out of our apartment into another airbnb that was free so the cats have somewhere to stay while we’re in MI
Tomorrow morning: sign closing docs for the house that we were supposed to close on two weeks ago
Tomorrow at noon: get on a flight to MI for a wedding
Saturday: try to enjoy said wedding by wondering if our moving van full of everything we own is stolen or if are cats are alive
Sunday: Fly home, check to see if our premonitions are true
Monday morning: Mayan flies to LA for the entire week for work
Monday evening: Ryan gets keys to house, moves entire moving van of stuff with help from annoyed friends
Friday: Mayan sleeps in the house; tries to not resent it?
Me: I am literally sitting at home doing nothing. My only obligation this evening is to take out the trash. Work went well today. What exactly is the problem????
We are the last generation who can hear from these survivors directly. Do not take that lightly. Do not waste that opportunity. Do not forget your freedom isn’t infinitely guarenteed. And do not, do not, let it happen again.
Really truly, watch the video, reblog it. Teaching about the holocaust is so necessary for our generation before it slips under the rug and people forget about it.
Please try to visit a concentration camp if you can. Auschwitz was a huge turning point for me–though I was always concerned with the well-being of others, seeing what can happen if people just ‘live and let live’ because starkly apparent.
Auschwitz II-Birkenau
is so big you can’t even see the other end of the camp from one side. The horror–this sense of dread and misery– settles into your bones. It’s important to me that people go, experience this, and let nothing like it ever happen again.
I’m not a teacher, but I work with teachers, principals and education researchers everyday. I’m incredibly humbled when I come across educators who stay woke.
She captured so much about what I feel about being woke, and haven’t been able to say.
Anonymous
skeletonecasey
